But, September brought a whole new slew of emotions, sadness, and what-ifs. And, I am finding myself sad about it all over again. And I feel like talking about it will help me.
I feel robbed. I wanted that baby. I was almost 4 months pregnant when we had the doctors appointment where they couldn't find that heartbeat, and I saw the baby on the monitor for the last time. By 4 months, we had planned. That baby had a future, we were planning it, and it had changed our whole family's future. Who would share a room with who; we listed names for the baby, boys and girls. We had decided we weren't going to find out the gender. When we lost the baby, we lost that future, and all the hopes that went with it.
The pain that goes with the thought of "Today I should be having a baby, but I'm not" is indescribable. It's heart wrenching. It is nothing short of heartbreaking. And I can only imagine the pain those who have to go through this more than once must feel.
If anything, this experience and the trial that goes with it has brought a whole new dimension to my experience and understanding, and perception of my life. Sometimes I feel guilty even feeling sad about losing this baby, as I have 2 other totally healthy children. But this loss, is a huge loss. And it has made me more grateful for my kids. They are here, and I get to raise them. I have them now, and I am going to cherish it. One day I will have baby number 4 (cause that baby #3 feels very real to me still, and feels like a part of the family), and it will be even more wonderful than before.
I am thankful for a Heavenly Father who knows me, and has helped to heal my heart. Not only through this trial, but the many others we have experienced. He loves me, and I feel it. I am so grateful for that knowledge of eternal families. One day I'll meet my little baby, who was just in our life briefly, but will forever be a part of us, and a part of our heart.
6 comments:
I'm so sorry. We're thinking about you today. You and Matt are so amazing. Love ya.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope it helped you a heal a little more.
Oh Hon, I'm so sorry. I know... you know I know. :) Hugs. I love you tons. :)
Hug, Hug! We love you.
I am right there with you. Yes, your thinking is totally correct! The next will be #4! Just remember that old addage with the long piece of ribbon that had a knot in the very middle. The side leading up the that know was the pre-existance, the knot our earthly life and the other side Eternity. Don't forget how small that knot is in the whole picture. That sweet little spirit alreadys knows you and your family because that sweet spirit chose you. What more reason to work hard now so you can spend eternity with your WHOLE FAMILY! Love you.
Carolyn I'm so sorry that you're going through so much. I know how you feel though and I'm always here to talk if you want. It's really hard because you want to be happy for other's who's babies have made it full term, but deep down there is a little jealousy. I know that it feels like things won't get better, but they do. Hang in there and they only advice I can give you is to stay close to the Lord. I know it's a hard thing to do under the circumstance, but for some reason he knows that we are meant to have these trials because he knows how strong we are. One thing that has helped me is believing that these sweet spirits were such amazing spirits that they only needed just a short time the "live". I know it's not doctrine or anything, but it helps me and if it helps you at all, then believe it. Good luck and I'm praying for you, and don't ever forget this baby, it's what will help you make it through other trials in life in the future. You're an amazing mother and your kids love you. Sorry to keep babbling on and on, I just felt like sharing with you these words, I hope you don't think I'm some kind of crazy person, but I really am here if you need me. Good luck and I miss you and Jordyn.
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