Everything about Jacob's pregnancy was a dream. No morning sickness, I felt great and had good energy, no complications, etc. I couldn't have asked for an easier pregnancy! Until the end, I felt comfortable and at ease. My labor and delivery was a little more difficult than I had imagined it would be, but all went pretty well, and he came out a perfect 8 1/2 pound baby. Nothing had prepared me for what would happen after his birth, though.
Matt and I have not been shy (maybe we should be though, so as not to scare too many more people) about the fact that 4 kids has been a rough transition for us. For both of us, this has been the hardest so far. And while the kids just love him to death, all 3 of them have had a different way of adjusting to this new member of our family, and it hasn't always been easy for any of them. But Jacob could not be more loved!
The fact of the matter for me is though, I've got the postpartum crazy going on. I call it crazy because that's literally how I feel. Not exactly a depression, but more a high strung anxiety. I find myself worrying about the smallest things, but things that become a huge deal in my mind. I am positive that if Jacob gets sick at all, he will surely die. (This right here has been my biggest trigger of stress) I get in my car and all I picture is crashing. When I hold Jacob I imagine myself dropping him. (See what I mean? I feel crazy! :))
When Jacob was about 2 weeks old, I started getting random, bad stomach aches. I first though a food allergy, possibly lactose, and I began changing my diet, and it didn't help. The stomach aches kept getting worse, and more frequent despite what I did, or didn't eat. It became very frustrating and debilitating. Until one day I realized it was stress. The mind is a powerful tool, and my anxiety was physically manifesting itself in that way.
Once I realized that though, I knew I had to try and fix it. I have to make myself consciously relax, let out the tension in my shoulders, breathe deep, etc. this had helped tremendously. But still, I struggle with my mind. Night time seems to be the worst, when I feel "trapped" at home, when it's dark outside, and all I have are my crazy thoughts battling in my head. There is not as much distraction at night to keep myself from worrying, stressing, and then exhaustively fighting with myself because the other part of me knows I'm being irrational and crazy. It's all a very exhausting process for me, and so it seems easier to usually just go to sleep at 8:30 pm to escape from my own mind. There is not a day that goes by that I don't beg to feel normal again.
So my point in this is not to garner pity from anyone, but for others to know that if you feel like I do, or have felt like I do, you're not alone. At least, I hope I'm not alone. :) I feel comfort in knowing that I'm not the first or last person to experience this, and that it can and will go away eventually.
Until then, I keep praying for strength. A lot of the time, I seem and can feel pretty normal. And goodness I hope I haven't scared anyone into being wary of me. My kids are still safe and taken care of. We will make it through this, I know I will. I am so grateful for friends who have continually offered support, love, friendship and advice. I am thankful for my amazing family that is always there for me. And of course my wonderful Matt, who is always here to listen to me, to love me and hold me when I cry, and to be my biggest strength. So thank you to everyone that has made this process so much easier for me. I will get there. I will. One day at a time.
9 comments:
I didn't have the anxiety, but I certainly had the depression for a few weeks after Camie was born. Gosh, adding a baby (or another baby) to the mix is HARD HARD HARD. Yes, we love them, but it's scary.
I love you for being brave, because I'm sure WAY more people have experienced this than we hear about, just because no one ever says anything!
I hope the best for you in getting through this, girl! I'm sure it's just a matter of time (and until then, call me when you need a distraction)! Love ya!
All our love! Good luck getting through it all, you're in our prayers! - Taylor and Stephanie
Bravo to you for putting this out there. I wish more people talked about postpartum anxiety. I had it as well after I had the twins. I had depression too, but nothing compared to the feeling of wanting to crawl out of your skin every day. I hope you get feeling back to normal soon. I'm finally getting back to "normal" almost a year after my twins were born.
You are definitely not alone I had postpartum anxiety/depression with all of my kids except Ensley. My days were worse than my evenings though. Something that really helped me is a B-stress it's a B-vitamin I got it at The good Earth. And my Dr. said it was fine to take while nursing. Also when Brett would come home I would leave the house for 10-30 mins. and go for a walk or do some grocery shopping. I usually start to feel better between 3 and 4 months.
Call or txt me anytime if you need to talk. I can also take your kids for a while if you need a break:)
I love you sweetie and had no idea that you were going thru this! Know that you have an army of angels all around you that are there, just for the asking. You do have an incredible family and you are an incredible Mother, don't ever forget this. This is more common that you would ever know. I am proud of you and I know the Lord might possibly be carrying you right know. Hold on tight and this too will pass. Please let me know if you want to drop off all the kids on a Saturday and go for a drive with your cute husband. I would love it! hugs, Aunt t
I was that way with Abby. I couldn't even bath her the first time because I was afraid I was going to kill her. My sister did it the first time. Even after that it took me months to feel like normal again. I didn't know you we're feeling like this I'm so sorry Carolyn.
You are brave in saying how you feel, I really think that. It's so hard to add babies, hormones, changes, etc into your life. I think this is good for so many women to know that this is normal and they aren't alone in these challenges! Actually, I just read an articles yesterday on CNN about how there is more anxiety/OCD stuff after pregnancy than they previously thought, probably because people didn't tell them about it or something like that. Anyway, that just reminded me of that. I hope things get easier and better and you are awesome for having four kids and all the work that goes with it. Love ya,
Becky
I'm so sorry you are going through this! I had severe postpartum depression/anxiety/OCD after Tyler and it was SO HARD! It gets better, I promise! Those dark, scary days are only a memory now, I am back to normal now (normal for me, anyway, haha). Hang in there, just surround yourself with uplifting things and know that you're not crazy, it's just hormones and it won't last forever. Thank you for sharing this, it takes real courage, and women need to know about it because it's so common. It will get easier, I promise.
I feel terrible that I didn't even know you were going through this. I apparently need to call you more often. You were brave to share this, thank you for doing it.
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