My Postpartum Journey: Part 2

So here I am, a month out since my last post. It's weird to look back at things, and how bad it was back then. A month can make a big difference. First off, I have to say that the response I received after my post was completely amazing and overwhelming. I had no idea that what I was going through, was also experienced by so many other people, and that it was a real thing! I really thought I was just going crazy. I did, and still do, read through all of the comments, emails, texts, and letters that people sent, over and over. It is a huge source of comfort and grounding for me, to hear that I am not alone, and that it can and will get better. The wave of support was something I didn't expect, but I am so, so grateful for it all.

 Five days after my last post, I ended up in the ER, where they admitted me to the hospital for an overnight stay. After a panic attack that lasted the better part of 8 hours, I could not take it anymore. I could not get out of it, I could not make it stop, and I didn't know how to do it alone. It was by far the most terrifying experience of my life. Staying at the hospital was also an interesting experience, but looking back it was definitely the best decision to be made at that time.  They set me up with therapists, relaxation techniques, and ways to cope with what I was going through. Plus, I got a lot of rest and a good nights sleep, which was a huge blessing.

We called my sweet friend and neighbor, who came over at what was way too early in the morning, and took my 4 kids. She comforted them, and loved them, things that I was not able to do at that time. She even took my poor 2 month old who had never tried a bottle or formula, and took great care of him as he struggled to eat, and her family loved him as much as their own. I never once worried about my baby, because I knew all of them would be fine. She's an angel that we are so thankful for, and whom I will never be able to repay.

My dad was able to fly out that day, too, and was here with Matt and the kids while I was gone. He stayed with us for almost a week, followed by my mom for a week, then Matt's mom for a week! Our parents have been incredibly supportive and helpful, and having them here for 3 weeks made recovery during those weeks possible. They were amazing! Driving kids to school, doing dishes, helping clean, and on and on and on. We are so thankful for them! It was a huge comfort to know that I had someone there with me, just in case.

The last few weeks haven't been perfect. I still struggle. I still feel paralyzed by fear at times. But things are SO much better than they were. I do still have those moments where I feel anxious, panicky, and overwhelmed. My mind still feels like a battlefield of good and bad thoughts, threatening my progress. It would be easy to succumb and give up. But, I also have more moments where I laugh, I'm happy, I enjoy my kids and we have fun! I'm able to do things that I couldn't a month ago, and enjoy doing them. I realized that I need to fight for my family, for my kids and my amazing husband. And I know that this won't last forever. I have come a long, long ways on this journey. It might not be perfect yet, but that's OK  It's OK! I have hope that I didn't have before, and I will once again feel whole someday.

To those who have cleaned my kitchen, folded my laundry, stopped by just to say hi, dropped me a text or phone call just to check in, brought dinner, taken my kids, walked with me, brought care packages, answered my frantic phone calls and helped me stay calm, etc and etc, I say Thank You. From the bottom of my heart. I have realized that I have the most amazing friends anyone could ask for. I have the most incredible family. I am more in love with my husband than ever before.  I will never take these people for granted. They are the ones who saved me and my little family through this hell we've been through.

Yesterday while watching General Conference, I felt like President Uchtdorf's talk was meant just for me. To anyone else struggling, here's a highlight:

"There may be some among you who feel darkness encroaching upon you. You may feel burdened by worry, fear, or doubt. To you and to all of us, I repeat a wonderful and certain truth: God’s light is real. It is available to all! It gives life to all things. It has the power to soften the sting of the deepest wound. It can be a healing balm for the loneliness and sickness of our souls. In the furrows of despair, it can plant the seeds of a brighter hope. It can enlighten the deepest valleys of sorrow. It can illuminate the path before us and lead us through the darkest night into the promise of a new dawn.

This is “the Spirit of Jesus Christ,” which gives “light to every man that cometh into the world”

So as I continue this journey, I feel hope. I know that through all of my support and my Heavenly Father, all healing is possible. I am getting there. One day at a time.