I remember the day that Jordyn was first put into my arms. I held that sweet baby girl for the first time, and I was a mother. It was almost exactly 8 years ago that I became a mom for the first time, and how sweet it was. Everyone says that babies don't come with instruction manuals, and that is very true. I remember the struggle to figure it out, to know what to do with her, and how to take care of her. When do you go to the doctor, and when do you wait it out? And on and on. Every mom knows what I'm talking about. There is a lot of guessing, a lot of going with the flow with the first baby. You just don't know everything yet.
One thing I did have though, was confidence. I knew I could be a good mom, and I knew I could figure it out, somehow, eventually. If I didn't know the answer, well, I knew I could find it, and I'd learn and everything would be just fine. I was confident in my abilities as a mom, as a person. When Tyler came, he threw me for a loop, but I figured it out, and all was well again. With Reagan, same thing. Everyone said 3 was the hardest, but I found it pretty easy. I had so much confidence in myself and what I was doing as a mom, I had it down. I'm not saying I was perfect, but I had the confidence in myself to know that I could handle whatever came our way.
Then came Jacob.
Then came Anxiety.
It's really just the Anxiety. It has a life of it's own, it is it's own entity. With Anxiety comes a lot of "what if's". These what-ifs that clog my brain on a near constant basis, and have become chinks in my armor of confidence. Suddenly, I'm not so sure. Can I handle this? Will I know what to do? WHAT IF I FAIL?!
This is where my battle lies. The battle field of "What if's", and reality. It is a near constant battle, that I often find little relief from. Therapy has helped tremendously though, and I can cope and go on with daily life, while the battle rages on in my head. Suddenly I am scared to do things I never gave a second thought to before. I have lost much of my confidence. Sometimes I will look at picture of myself pre-Anxiety, and I mourn the loss of that person. Does that sound silly? Maybe. But it's how I feel. I want to be that person again, that person that had things (mostly) under control. That had confidence in her ability. I don't feel like that person anymore. I'm not that person anymore. Anxiety has changed me. I am hopeful that one day I'll be a new and hopefully improved version of that past person. Until then, I'll keep fighting this battle.
4 comments:
What a crappy, debilitating thing to go through - I'm so sorry you've had to experience it!! :(
And until you become that person again (because you WILL get better, you WILL), I'll just believe for the both of us... because I know you can do this. You are an amazing mama.
ALSO.
You are beautiful and brave and awesome for being vulnerable to put this out there - and help others going through this. I look up to that.
Carolyn, you are beautiful and brave and this too will pass! You still have that confident self, it is just buried under the doubting! Don't feel like it all has to happen right now. You will learn wonderful lessons thru this and be able to help so many others down the road. I love you and so does our Heavenly Father. There is a reason for this and it may open a whole new world for you! You are incredible and I love you! My offer still stands. love and hugs, t
Carolyn! I love when you write these because they help me so much. I'm really grateful to have you as my sister because I really do look up to you as a mother. I feel like I wouldn't make it if I didn't have you there to help me. I think you're so much more confident than you think you are. Just don't forget you have the power of heaven to help you.
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