Here I am, 9 months after having this little guy. Gosh, he's cute. I'm not sure why, but this 9 month milestone feels big to me. It feels important. I can't begin to describe the place I'm in right now, how good I feel now. Things are so. much. better.
6 months ago I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety, OCD, and panic disorder. I was pretty non-functional. I even hit suicidal at one point and had to be hospitalized for it. But this isn't new news, I guess. What is new is that now, 6 months later, I feel like I've turned that corner. Finally, I am feeling "normal" again.
Jacob and I have a different relationship. I don't know how to explain it, but it's different. I've had to work so much harder to bond with him. It hasn't come easily this time around. I wasn't able to nurse him as long as I wanted, and that was really hard for me. I still miss that some days. I feel like I missed out on the first big part of his life, as he grew and changed, I was panicking and struggling. And for that I get mad at myself, even though I know it wasn't my "fault". But I wish I could remember how tiny he was, how he smelt. I wish I could go back and remember how it felt to hold him as a newborn. I wish I had more memories of that, other than only remembering how anxious I was, how I cried all the time, how bad things were. I regret it, I long for it, and I'm frustrated that it's gone and too late. But I am determined to move forward and enjoy my baby, and all 4 of my kids for that matter. Time is precious.
But I'm so thankful for my Jacob. He's such a happy, wonderful baby. He is so chill and mellow and chubby, and just happy. He's independent and loves to laugh, and hardly ever cries. He's tough and durable and loves his siblings, and they love him. Those 4 are meant to be. He's taught me so much, and I'm so grateful to be his mom.
He pulls himself up and has started walking around on things. He's growing too fast!
I love that he sucks his thumb. He lets me know when he's tired by sticking the thumb in and playing with his blanket. It's the cutest.
Ha, I love this picture. He loves to watch what's going on, and sneak outside if the door is open!
He can't just sit still! Gotta turn around to see where you're going.
So happy.
9 month old. I love this boy, so so much.
1 comment:
"Those 4 are meant to be". So sweet, I love it.
I had a hard time bonding with Camie as a baby, such a hard time postpartum.... it happens, and of course we all feel guilty, but what our babies(kids) know is what happens from NOW on. You have the right attitude about it all!
We've loved our Carolyn all along, but we're so grateful you are feeling back to "normal". Bet it feels amazing.
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