Perspective

Back on Thanksgiving day, we were in Colorado with my whole family, and we went and did our traditional Thanksgiving Day Bowling Game.  Bowling is always a family favorite, and it was even more fun with everyone there. At one point, Reagan's turn was up. She bowled her first frame, and knocked over all but 3 pins. She took her second throw, and hit 1 of the 3 remaining pins. Right at the moment that everyone watching started groaning "Ohhhhhhh man!", Reagan turns around and yells "YES!!" and is jumping up and down with joy, that she hit the 1 pin.

This moment was a big deal for me. Here's why- In the weeks preceding Thanksgiving, and in the weeks since, I, like everyone else probably, have been scouring through our 2013 pictures and stories, trying to figure out which ones to add to the card, put on the calendar, and use to sum up our year. This has been so hard for me. I can't look at baby pictures of Jacob without feeling pain, grief, and immense guilt. I haven't been able to write out a year summary, because my year has sucked so bad, and was so hard, I was sure there was nothing of good note to send out on a card. I look back at these pictures, and know that my smile is merely a mask of the deep pain I was feeling. It's still a very raw emotion for me, one that might still take time to fade.

I look back, and feel I can help but feel guilty that I was suffering so bad. That I wished away most of Jacob's newborn months, hoping that once he was older I would feel better. And hoping that time would be my friend. The further I was from his birth, the less "postpartum-y" I would feel. So I yearned for the next day, the next week, the next season. I anxiously awaited his immunizations so he wouldn't be susceptible to bad diseases.  It was just one moment after another, of wishing for the next moment. I never lived in the moment, I never enjoyed the "here and now".

When I look at some (well, most or all) I don't remember the happy times or any joy, I only remember pain, sadness, fear, and guilt.

So back to this story of Reagan's bowling round.  It struck me, very profoundly, how our perspective changes. When is it in our lives that only a spare or a strike is worth rooting for? Why can't we be happy about hitting just 1 more pin? Why can't I be happy about that? The joy on her face for hitting one pin was infectious, and I worried that life would ruin her, and she would become yet another jaded human where only the perfect and the best is to be celebrated.

In everyone's life, and in the last year of my life specifically, there have been very, very hard times. The last year since Jacob was born has just plain sucked for me. There's no denying that. But to truly get past it, I have to change my perspective. All of the diseases that I was worried would hurt my newborn (anxiety, it's crazy), never did. It never happened! When I was forced to stop nursing, I was convinced it would hurt him, somehow, someway. All of the times I worried and was just sure that something horrible was going to happen, never did. We made it through the first year of his life, and while very bumpy, was still quite successful! He is healthy, he is happy, and he is perfectly on track developmentally. I am thankful that formula exists, for people who need it, or just plain want it! I am thankful that when I was unable to feed my baby, there was still a way to provide for him. I can be thankful for all of that.

Maybe part of it is time. We are almost at the year mark from when all of the crazy started, and it is a lot easier to look back and see how things happened, and how it actually all worked out, when in the moment I was sure that it would not.

Perspective. It's all about perspective. When in moments of hardship, do not lose your perspective. Celebrate the good, for it is always there. Know that when it passes, you will see it for what it was.

In the few weeks since Thanksgiving, I have tried to look at things differently. To keep my perspective in check, and to try and see the good, and look for the blessings. And I am trying to see things like my children do. Let's be happy for the 1 pin. I'm trying! And I am hoping for a much better 2014.