My Soul is Stirring

My soul is stirring, right now. I feel it will not rest until I write down what I feel.

I've been reading a book that has stirred many thoughts and memories to the surface in regards to my brother Eric, who died 9 years ago.  As I've been home with a sleeping baby, and the family at church, I can't help but feel like I need to share one particular experience.

After Eric passed, his funeral was over, and life had to move on, I found myself in the deep abyss of mourning, loss and sadness. How could my brother leave us? Why did God take him? I felt angry that while Eric was serving the Lord on his mission, he was taken from us. No chance for goodbyes, no solace that he was protected while being in the service of God. I'll admit, I felt betrayed by the God that I loved and believed in.  One day in particular, I sat on my bed, crying my heart out to know why this had happened. I missed my brother, and had amends to make with him that left me feeling empty.

I felt a nudge to "look up", and as I did, I looked toward my doorway, and there was Eric, stand there. In my mind's eye, I saw him, smiling at me. I felt his love for me, I felt his peace, and that he was ok, and happy, even. He had a glow about his, but he looked the same, whole in spirit. No scars from his surgeries, or the accident he had been in. No anger, no bitterness. He knew my sorrow, I could feel it, and he smiled at me to take it away.

I felt, in that moment, my anger fade away, my sorrow turned to joy and I marveled at him, in his new state of perfection. I knew he wasn't in pain anymore, physically or spiritually. He was simply, home. I knew he missed us, but would always be with us.  I felt a forgiveness from him for the times we fought, and had anger at each other, and I knew it was all ok! It was such a beautiful feeling.

When each of my 4 children have been born, I have felt his presence, helping them to earth. I believe they know him, spiritually. Sometimes when I am sad (because I still am sad and miss him), I look to that same doorway, in hopes that I will see him again. But it only happened that one time, that strongly. I still feel him, I know he is still alive. I know that this life is not the end. I know that, with all my being. There is love and peace after this life. I know our life has a purpose, and that Heavenly Father lives.

Many times, I have felt a literal hug when I needed it, or a quiet voice telling me it will be ok. I feel guided, and I know that Eric is helping us along.

And though I still miss, and my heart still aches at times to see him again, I know that Eric is still alive. This is not the end.